How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
yeet
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Not today
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed