O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.