dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
How to properly lift a body
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?