Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!