ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*ernest hemingway voice*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming