very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app