[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984