Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain