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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
WTF
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Have kids, they said
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Oh the world we live in…
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*