The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes