[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Terribly Tuesday.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.