my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost