“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You Might Also Like
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days