VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…