When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
What number SPF blocks people?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?