on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me