[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school