Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
never compromise your values
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.