Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.