ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Reporter: *ports again*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?