For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’