Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Breaking news:
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.