Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
A small tragedy.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
this has done me in for some reason
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?