4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?