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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
When your man makes a valid point
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen