Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You Might Also Like
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It’s an epidemic…
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Order here:
More here:
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.