I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m listening
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.