Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
This was the best day of my life
Breaking news:
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.