Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
he looks great for his age
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*me flirting
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have