Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.