IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
😂😂
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999