My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”