Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
thank god
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!