Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
True
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”