The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
New Tinder profile.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
So the ex texted me
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?