Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so