It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.