9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*