If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
remember
only for emergencies
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends