I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.