My daily affirmation
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles