If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.