Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target