With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
❤️🦆
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.