[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”