“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
welcome back
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.