“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.