Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
who did the taste test?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Um … Hot Wings please
It’s the weekend y’all
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs