New comic up. “Ransom”
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.