Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
wut hotdog?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
me, too, girl. me, too.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Bloody internet 😳
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …